It's HERE! I has a Dexcom CGM!

My dexcom has arrived! I've inserted and started everything up. I'll know if I did it right on a few hours when it asks me for blood sugars but my transmitter is transmitting and my receiver is receiving and it came with 2 awesome cases. One seems to be water resistant and the other is a silicon case.

I will be making a case that attaches nicely to the slings I make for my pump so I'll probably post pictures in a later update of that, depending on how it goes.

A question for anyone else using a CGM who might have stumbled upon my blog...where do you put your sensor? The Dexcom is only approved for the abdomen but my wedding dress will have a corset on top so I'll need to put it elsewhere. I was thinking lower hip/top of my ass if it'll work there. Apparently little kids get good results from there.

I'm getting the Dexcom!!!!

Ok so I know I promised that I'd talk about symlin next but I lied again but only because I got the best news in the entire world today and I needed to share it emphatically with EVERYONE I CAN FIND. And there's at least 2 people who check in with my blog regularly so yeah.

I'M GETTING A DEXCOM

I am having the best day EVER. I don't even know how to have a better day than today. It's not physically possible. I got disney silly bands, I found a corset I want, and ZOMG DEXCOM.

Diabetes and Depression: My summer of fail

I know I said my next post was going to be about symlin...but I lied. Well not intentionally but it just sort of turned out that way because today I am depressed and diabetics tend to be depressed people probably because of our wacky (yes I said wacky) body chemicals that I don't have a complete understanding of. If you know why diabetes=chronic depression for most people, please explain this to me.

So yeah, being diabetic sucks for a number of reasons. Most of those reasons have happy little devices to make the reasons less...reasonable... or at least generally less sucky. But that's beside the point. The hidden reason that diabetes sucks is the chronic depression. Now I'm a pretty well medicated depressed diabetic but sometimes my medication makes this strange decision to stop working. Or maybe my brain chemicals make the decision to not respond to it anymore. Sometimes it's hard to tell. But this is the story of the summer of crazy Bunni.

This past summer I had everything set up to be awesomely productive as well as not a financial disaster. I had a 3 day a week job to pay the bills so that I could work on my thesis on the other days of the week. This was a perfect plan. I was going to be done with my thesis by the end of the summer and just have to do revisions and defend and then I would win grad school! YAY!

This did not happen. Early in the summer I noticed my sleeping meds weren't really working. Sleep problems seem to be another thing that comes with diabetes. My doctor and I switch my meds and I was convinced that they were at least kind of working and went on my way figuring that I could just deal with a little more depression than usual. That was how the first month went. In my head I was a little down and a little more OCD but otherwise I was ok. That is not what everyone else experienced. Everyone else was experiencing hyper-bitchy Bunni with SUPER OCD POWERS.

Then I went to the beach with the boyfriend and his family. I was depressed. I was VERY depressed. Even I started to notice I was depressed because I cried EVERY SINGLE DAY. I had, at that point, gotten nothing done on my thesis, was crying constantly, and couldn't sleep so I spent about 20 hours a day TRYING to sleep. This wasn't working. I told my boyfriend it wasn't working. I told my roommate it wasn't working. They said "we knew that." WELL WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT!

Then I had to wait 2 more weeks to see a crazy person doctor who then gave me new drugs and then I had to wait 2 more weeks to see if they were working. We're at 2 months of summer at this point. There has still been no progress on my thesis and now my boyfriend is recovering from having to deal with crazy Bunni. At least the house is clean. Crazy Bunni cleans constantly. Crazy Bunni also yells at the boyfriend and the roommate about how they clean things. Crazy Bunni is not fun to live with.

By the end of the summer I've managed to get back to normalcy and then the fall semester starts and I have nothing done on my thesis. Depression has screwed me. Diabetes gives me depression. Therefore, my diabetes has screwed me. Being a depressed diabetic sucks. And you know what? Depressed diabetics are not known for taking excellent care of themselves. My blood sugars sucked and I'm pretty sure my eyes have gotten fuzzier.

This was a lame, depressing post  about depression. The next one will be a happy post about the awesome powers of symlin! I swear this time! No lies.

Layout Fixiness

This is a content-free post to basically say I'm working on making my layout suck less and a new post will be coming very soon!

Notes to Self

Just because you checked your blood sugar twice today does not mean you're doing well. You're doing better but "better" is relative. When you used to check your blood sugar on a roughly every other day schedule that was terrible so yes, twice a day is in fact better but still not good. You need to do it at least four times. Get your ass in gear. Besides. You were doing it roughly six times a day last week so technically you're doing WORSE.

Also, an a1c of 7.9 is not an excuse to slack off. Yes, that is better. However, "better" is STILL relative. The way in which the word "better" works has not changed since the previous paragraph. I know it USED to be 9.3 but 7.9 is still not GOOD. It's just better and better clearly does not mean anything for you because you are a terrible diabetic! Test your blood sugar and stop forgetting to take your symlin and stop failing to bolus for your food.

Coming Soon (once my cold meds are no longer making me completely incoherent): Symlin is awesome and I don't know why no one told me about it sooner.

Where the crap do I put my pump?

I have had an insulin pump since I was 12. That's about 12, almost 13 years now. I have still yet to figure out where to stash it in a dress. I've determined that I just can't wear certain types of dresses...EVER.

When I was younger before I had boobs (not that I really have much to speak of now...) I tried a padded bra and stuffing it in there. That didn't work so well because you could ALWAYS see the outline of my pump because of the lack of adequate boobage. I might be able to pull that off now, but then where would I put my cell phone? Nice dresses don't have pockets for my cell phone!

I've heard of other people putting it under their arms on the edge of their dress using a clip but that just sounds incredibly uncomfortable. I tried clipping it to the top of the back of my dresses but then there's no way to sit down. If I just clip it to my underwear, you can clearly see my pump.

So I came up with a solution. My pump lives in a pump-sized purse with a clear panel for button and screen access. I just drape it cross-wise across my body and it's fine for everyday use. For under dresses, all I have to do is tie the strap so that it fits around my hips and my pump lays flat against my hips because the case makes the pump very low-profile.

Now, here's the problem with this: my pump likes to shift when I walk.  I find that I'm walking on campus and my pump has escaped from it's designated hip-bone location and has begin to center itself. Can you guess what THAT looks like? It doesn't look like a pump...

So now it looks like I have a penis if I don't keep my attention on where my pump is chillin' out...but at least I can wear most dresses now!

I'll never be able to wear a skin-tight dress but I don't think I would ever be thin enough to be comfortable in a skin-tight dress so I don't think that'll be a problem. If I could only fix this faux penis pump problem. Maybe I should just use duct tape...

Priorities are HARD

When I'm sick, I have trouble with priorities. Here is a list of my priorities in descending order of importance when I'm sick.

Meds (the sick people kind)
Sleep (the only time sleep isn't first on my list is when I'm sick because meds make it possible to sleep)
Food (because holy crap I'm hungry when I'm sick...ALL the time)
Insulin (because I realize that I need to take this in order to not die and be even more sick that I already am)
Symlin (because I don't want to over eat since I'm hungry all the time and drive my blood sugar up and get fat. I actually GAIN weight when I'm sick.)
Work (because I don't want to get fired)

Notice anything missing? If you guessed "test blood sugar" or "keeping blood sugar in line" you win a prize! And by prize I mean knowing the right answer. I don't have prizes and besides, I just gave you the answer. There's no way to keep that fair!

When I'm sick I have a terrible time remembering to test my blood sugar and take the medications for that because I am far more distracted by all the other things going on. It should really be up there above "meds" but it's not. It's not even on the list! Then I wonder why I stay sick for so long.

My inability to remember things like this and put them in the correct priority is why my doctor initially proposed that I might be ADD. I, of course, having been tested for this tons of times when I was little because my mother is a psychologist resisted this until I had to get a paper done for a class and couldn't seem to get it done.  I agreed to try the adderol to see how it would go.

It worked wonderfully! Over time I was convinced that maybe I was just lazy and I was taking the adderol when I didn't need it and I felt bad for doing that for a number of reasons and decided that I needed to prove to myself that I was ADD and needed the drugs...by not taking them. So I don't take my medication when I need it. I tell myself that I don't really need it and then at the end of the day I got nothing done even though I was busy ALL day and I forgot to test my blood sugar even once. As a result I go "I must be ADD. I will take my pills!" and then promptly FORGET to take them because I haven't been taking them and I'm ADD and it's hard to remember that stuff when you're ADD.

My blood sugar testing has gotten better...even without the ADD meds but I imagine I could be far better at it with them. I just can't seem to remember to take it even though I have finally accepted that I have ADD and I haven't been lying to myself to have an excuse to be lazy. I just thought I was lazy because people always TOLD me I was lazy.

In conclusion: I suck at priorities because I have ADD and being sick makes my brain even more easily distracted so I suck even more at them.

I make stupid decisions when I'm sick

Actually, I make stupid decisions all the time, they just carry more weight when I'm sick.


Yesterday evening I was feeling much less like a zombie after loading up on mucinex (the children's kind in powder form that tastes like strawberry pixie stix unless you chew them...then they taste like death) and decided it would be an excellent idea to go to my friend's party! This wasn't going to be a hugely intense dancing and music party with crazy alcohol-ness (although there was definitely alcohol) so I figured it would be fine. I did not make the stupid decision to drink alcohol. One point for me! (Alcohol=immunity fail) 


The birthday girl gave me ecinaecia (which spell check doesn't seem to think exists so it's probably spelled wrong) in gummy form and vitamin C tablets because she is awesome and I was like "This will be excellent! I can be at the party, not get anyone sick by washing my hands constantly, and get better all at the same time! I am BRILLIANT!" That was entirely incorrect.


(BTW why has my spacing suddenly changed? Stupid copy and pasting ecinaecia...)


So my roommate locks herself out of the house because she grabbed my spare car keys on her way out instead of her own and we had to leave after 2 hours. During that 2 hours, I ate a cupcake. I love cupcakes. Cupcakes are the best thing anyone has ever invented! Cupcakes are bad for sick diabetics who are trying to keep their blood sugars down. This was my second stupid decision of the night.


So we get home to let poor roommate back into the house and I decide that eating 2 giant cookies with loads of icing in the middle is now the best idea EVER. This was not the best idea ever. It might have been the most delicious idea ever, but not the best. Stupid decision number three.


Then we stayed up until 2am playing the Scott Pilgrim video game. That makes four.


So this morning I wake up with slight throat swelling that makes me feel like I'm going to choke and die at any second even though I know that is most definitely not the case and I'm out of children's mucinex and I hate myself for making stupid decisions when I'm sick. I'm definitely back to being a zombie and spell check also doesn't believe that mucinex is a word. My poor students are never going to get their homeworks back at this rate.


Note: I did wake up and pour myself into my boyfriend's car to go buy more mucinex, insulin (because I ran out of that last night and had to draw a cartridge out of 3 mostly empty bottles last night) and a vitamin water this morning. Vitamin water is good when you're sick, right? It has vitamins! Ignore the fact that it also has sugar in it. It's delicious and I hate regular water so it will have to do.

Siiiiiiick

So yesterday I was definitely sick. Today I am definitely a Zombie. Things are not going well since clearly sometime between last night and this morning I died and then became undead.

My blood sugar will not be normal. It was 47 at 7am. It was over 200 when I woke back up at noon. I cannot win. I need to drink the juice to make me not sick anymore but the juice makes my blood sugar go up so I give myself extra insulin and then it goes low and then I eat too much cereal and it's high again. My mom noted how much it sucks that I get sick right after I no longer have that awesome continuous glucose monitor to help keep my body in a mode that can heal.

Speaking of which, being Diabetic means my immune system consists partially of a bunch of half asleep white blood cells and partially of a bunch of hyperactive white blood cells with ADD. Neither of these groups seem to be able to mobilize together to get anything useful done for way longer than is logical. I have been trying to stuff my body full of vegetables in an attempt to make them work better but clearly the sleepy ones need coffee but that would make the hyperactive ones jittery and useless. As a result, I just have to sit around waiting for them to figure their shit out.

Maybe I'll go take a nap.

Trials are a Tease and now I'm sad

So in my first post I referenced the super awesome continuous glucose monitor that I got to try for a week. It was, basically, super FUCKING awesome. I had to add "fucking" in there to really express how awesome this thing was.  I had the Dexcom 7 system which meant I had a separate device that I had to keep track of on top of my pump and since it wasn't tethered to me it took me awhile to get over the crippling fear that I would lose it and owe them thousands of dollars. Even considering all that, it was still super FUCKING awesome.

I got hooked up to it at my doctor's office by the sales rep guy (who put up with my incessant babbling quite well, I think) and he told me all of the things that I could have figured out myself because I tend to read manuals and I'm good at simple electronic devices to begin with but I was so excited to have it I didn't really mind.

Then I got to go home with it! I put it in my pocket and went home and babbled incessantly to my roommate about how SUPER AWESOME it was. Here's the condensed version of my babbling for your benefit (I don't think she really appreciated how non-linear I was out of excitement and general ADD.)

1. This thing has my blood sugar on it! ALL THE TIME! WITH NO DELAY! Holy crap that's amazing. If you're not diabetic, you cannot possibly understand how amazing that is but I could look down at any moment and be like "oh, my blood sugar is great!" or more often "shit, it's dropping...oh no, it's leveled off...HOW DID THAT HAPPEN." (I'm sorry there are so many yell-y words in this post, it's just so awesome)

2. The sensor lasts for 7 days. SEVEN. That's way more days than any other system by at least 2 and sometimes 4!

3. I only had to calibrate it every 12 hours...but I could calibrate it more (and I most definitely did). It's so CONVENIENT and UNOBTRUSIVE! It isn't like my dog "Hey, Hey! I'm alive! Hey! Attend to me! Omg you haven't paid attention to me in 20 seconds" It's more like the cat "Yo, I'm cool...just give me a pet and I'll be on my way." That part was one of the super awesome features of awesomeness.

So I spent most of the week constantly look at the numbers and then testing my blood sugar to compare the numbers and then being astounded by how close the numbers were and then calibrating it again because, hey, why not?

Then at the end of the week the little machine was like "Change Sensor" and I was all "*sadface*" about it. I no longer had my little numbers and graphs to look at. I felt like I had a pancreas again for a little bit (albeit an extremely NEEDY one so maybe not a pancreas but a pretty good approximation if you forget about the fact that I had to interact with the machinery for the effeect...) and then they took it away again! Right this second I have no idea what my blood sugar is. I tested it less than 10 minutes ago but who KNOWS what it's doing now? It could be 70...or 345 and I have no idea. I certainly can't sit around testing my blood sugar every ten minutes. That week's trial was such a tease.

I NEED this thing. Not just want, but NEED. I could be the PERFECT diabetic if I had it. PERFECT I TELL YOU! No more eye aneurysms or weird foot tingling when I wear heels. I wouldn't have to pee in a jug for 24 hours sometimes so they could test my proteins because I wouldn't have any proteins to worry about.

Not once in the week that I had the device did I sit in a ball on the couch with my boyfriend's water (because heaven forbid I go get my OWN water) making zombie noises waiting for my 500mg/dl blood sugar to come down to a reasonable level for me to get some work done.  I'm pretty sure I average 110 for the whole week....or at least 150. Certainly not more than that. I should ask the rep if he can tell me what my average was...

Anyway. Now I am sad. I have no continuous monitor and I feel this sense of impending diabetic doom pretty much all day long because nothing is telling me when my blood sugar is rising or falling except my extremely confused and irrational body that thinks falling from 400 to 231 is a good reason to tell me I'm low and should eat an entire row of ritz crackers with nutella. Stupid body. I want the sensor back and unless my insurance company approves it, I can't afford to have it.

Insurance companies are a bitch. (Please give me the Dexcom, BCBS, I will love you forever and give you cookies and they totally wont be sugar free cause I hate sugar free ones..... Please?)

(Sorry for the extreme manic-ness of this post. I'm sick and nervous about the insurance thing because I want it so badly and I'm the only diabetic in the world whose blood sugar DROPS when they're sick. WTF is with that?)

I love cupcakes: Why other people suck when it comes to being diabetic

So I have one particular pet peeve that has been a problem since maybe forever. I hate when people try to tell me what's best for me. In my opinion, I should be able to SLAP every single person who tries to give me unsolicited diabetes advice who is not my doctor. And I don't mean I should be able to TRY to slap them. I mean they should stand there and present their face to me so that I may open-handed hit them with the full force of my body behind it. That is how infuriating it is.

Everyone seems to think they know what's best for a diabetic. I blame education. Now generally I'm a fan of education, I'm not sitting here going "RAWR DO NOT EDUCATE PEOPLE RAWR" but the small tidbits of diabetes education that well meaning groups push on people makes my life even more difficult. See people don't get educated on what is exactly going on with a diabetics body, or even what the difference between type I and II is. People don't get told that there are many different strategies for managing diabetes and everyone has to find their own. The don't get informed about how insulin works. They certainly don't get told that it's RUDE to tell a diabetic how to manage their disease. All anyone ever tells them is diabetes=sugar bad.

I eat a lot of cupcakes (See? There is a connection to the title of this post.) In fact, I love all things sugary and terrible for you like chocolate, cotton candy, spoonfuls of straight up processed white sugar...I love it all. (Remember, this is a blog about me being the worst diabetic...) However, this is not really a problem for my diabetes (overall health is another story) because I have an insulin pump. I have had an insulin pump since I was 12.  I can handle ANYTHING I want to. But if you're diabetic or know one you know what people say when they see a diabetic about to eat a cupcake: "YOU CAN'T HAVE THAT OMG!!!"

This is where the slapping should be allowed to take place.

Now I know people are just trying to show they care and save me from what I clearly don't understand (sugar=bad) even though I have been diabetic since I was 9 but come on! I feel like people should trust that I am not suicidal and that I do know what I'm doing. But that's not the point. The point is, even if I was trying to kill myself with cupcakes, it's none of your business! You don't know how I manage my diabetes so don't say ANYTHING.

The fastest way to get me to be self destructive and actually actively harm myself with cupcakes (because I'm certainly not going to forgo the cupcakes) is to tell me what to do. Tell me not to eat that? Oh I'm going to eat it...I'm going to eat SEVERAL. Tell me to test my blood sugar? Screw that, I wont test it for three days! Take my insulin? Not after you've told me to!

Are you seeing a pattern here? You should be, if not, you're probably the person who's been telling me not to eat that candy bar for the past 15 years. Just don't do it. Don't tell me what to eat, when to test, what to take. Ask questions! I am HAPPY to answer questions. Hell, ask me "So how are you able to eat that cupcake and stay healthy?" but don't be snotty about it, be sincere. I will happily explain to you how my pump works and what carbs are and how my symlin helps and all of the exciting things you never really wanted to know about how I manage my disease. But for god's sake, unless your diabetic friend ASKS you to be their medical police, shut the fuck up because it really REALLY isn't your business to tell them how to live. They've  probably got enough people doing that already.

Also: Don't offer me your sugar free candy/cookies/cake/etc. That shit blows. I don't care if you made it with splenda, it probably still sucks.

PS: if you see a diabetic eating like a maniac or stumbling around, their blood sugar is probably low. Offer to help but don't be all "YOU SHOULD TEST" or "YOU SHOULD EAT"...we know that.

I'm a terrible diabetic

I'm a type I diabetic and have been since about a month before I turned 9.  For quite awhile my mom was in charge of that whole day to day stuff so I was a perfectly good diabetic and my doctor was always like "OMG YOU'RE SO GOOD AT THIS." 

Then I became an obnoxious (and I mean SUPER obnoxious) teenager and insisted I could do it myself. In retrospect, this was a stupid decision. This was where it all started. As everyone who is or ever was a teenager knows, you want to do the exact opposite of what everyone is telling you to do just for spite. Clearly it made sense to not test my blood sugar JUST because my mom wanted me to.

This didn't get better when I went to college... or after college... and 2 years later I still suck at being diabetic.

So now I have a blog because I'm trying NOT to be a terrible diabetic. My doctor tried to trick me into testing my blood sugar with a fancy new glucometer that plugs into my computer (which has worked for about a month now). I also got to do a trial of a continuous glucose monitor (Dexcom yay!) which has convinced me that I'm going to die if I don't get one of these because it is THAT FRICKIN' AWESOME but that's for a later post. For right now, I'm trying not to suck and I'm going to post about my trying not to suck. Yay! Right? 

Maybe someone will read this and be like "hey, I don't suck as much as I thought I suck" but then again that might not help anyone. Maybe someone will read it and be like "Holy crap, I'm a worse diabetic than she is, I should probably fix that!" and then I'll be like "mission accomplished, you're welcome."